I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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