It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
