I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
