we have pet lesbian snakes
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
