Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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