Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
