I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
