At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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