apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
