I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
