I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
