Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
