If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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