I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
