I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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