I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
