I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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