I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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