i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
it's like iHOP with fire
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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