We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
