Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
