just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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