I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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