I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
