So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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