while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
