He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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