I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
