How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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