I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
