Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
