I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
