Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
