were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I will pee on everything he values.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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