why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
