i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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