Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
