Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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