Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
