I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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