Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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