dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Randomize
