and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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