Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
