I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
