the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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