someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
