her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
