So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
