I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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